There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
