I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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