Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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