In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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