I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
