Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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