I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
