so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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