the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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