Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
