but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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