It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
my phone needs a breathalizer
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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