dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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