A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
