I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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