My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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