It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize