i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I have already put on my inside pants.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
