she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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