does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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