So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
