Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
