Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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