her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
