My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
