In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize