my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I enjoy the company of your penis
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
