my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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