I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I need to wash the frat house off of me
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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