I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
they call him Oral-B. enough said
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
