Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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