That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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