I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Are my feet made of real feet?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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