omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
