either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize
