Her vagina should come with caution tape.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
