I am puke
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
