Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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