Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
