So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
