Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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