so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
