if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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