I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
