He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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