That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Cover your peen. We're going out.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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