I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
