I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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