textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
