i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
