Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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