I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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