It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize