So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Randomize
