I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Come see our sink grown plant.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
