Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
