Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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