Your mouth is God's brothel.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
